The number one thing my husband and I get asked/messaged daily is what resources helped us survive losing our daughter and what advice we can give to anyone else experiencing the same thing or something similar. These questions are the reason I wanted to create my website in the first place. Because of the volume of texts/DMs we receive asking these questions, we, unfortunately, do not have the capacity to respond to everyone who reaches out to us and respond the way we’d like to.
So, we thought, why not create one place to go and share all of the information we can and resources we use? This allows people to access all the information we have without having to wait on us, and if I’m being completely honest, some days my loss is extremely difficult to deal with, let alone trying to take on other’s loss. I say that with all the love and respect in the world. But hopefully, you can understand where I’m coming from. Somedays I don’t want to talk about loss, period, mine or yours, while other days, I’m an open book. Either way, that’s not very dependable for either of us. Finally, while the majority of these resources may focus on pregnancy/infancy loss and even infertility, some of them are general enough to apply to all loss/grief in general.
So here we are.
Important Note* I will say, that my goal is for this to be an ever-evolving post, subject to any and all updates, as we mature through our own grief journey and learn/discover more helpful tools and info along the way. We are currently 1.5 years post-loss.
Here is everything we’ve learned and or relied on ourselves in this time to help survive this journey: life without our MK here on Earth. MOST IMPORTANTLY: no one’s grief journey is the same. Period. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to healing, unfortunately. So please keep that in mind. What works for us may not work for you, and that’s okay. But please remember this as you go through this post. Take whatever you need, BUT please remember, timing is everything. Try these things when YOU are ready. Not because others say “it’s time” or that you should. There is no time limit to healing and certainly no expiration on grief and the pain that comes with it no matter what others may mistakenly tell you.
FLOWERS:
Please DO NOT SEND, unless it’s to the celebration of life services or gravesite, if that applies. Flowers DIE and can be a trigger, especially in those early post-lost days. In addition, it’s one more thing grieving parents have to take care of when they can barely take care of themselves. So please skip sending them. Instead, send a personalized garden stone or a tree or a butterfly bush to plant in memory of their baby. Pro tip if you send a tree/bush – wait until it’s the appropriate time/season to plant the tree. MK died in December and we received several trees/bushes but we couldn’t plant them in the frozen ground, and they died before we made it to spring.
MEAL TRAIN:
Set this up immediately for parents/grieving ones. People who have lost their loved ones have zero time or energy to think about meals, yet it’s incredibly important to take care of oneself and nourish themselves as best they can. This takes all the effort out of it for them. HOWEVER, set meal train delivery up for every other day if not every two days so you do not overwhelm families or give them more food than they can consume reasonably. This eliminates waste on both ends.
BOOKS:
You Are Not Alone: Love Letters From Loss Mom to Loss Mom – I relied on this book HEAVILY those first few weeks, maybe months. The only thing I could stand was hearing from others who stood where I stood, who knew the pain I knew. This book was exactly that.
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand – An incredible tool for grief. For working through yours and how to respond to others grief. I preferred to listen to this audiobook. As weird as it sounds, it felt like having a “friend” talk about everything I was feeling but didn’t know how to put words to.
Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy Devotional Journal If you are a person of faith, I HIGHLY recommend this devotional. There is a book and a journal. I only focused on the journal while my husband read the book. Both of us leaned heavily onto these. I wasn’t ready to start this until around 6 months or so after we lost MK.
Gifts/Mementos
Molly Bears– a MUST for anyone dealing with infant loss. Please gift this to yourself and/or anyone you know experiencing infant loss. You can design a bear after your baby. You can even have the bear match your baby’s birth weight. My husband and I took turns sleeping with ours for months when we needed something tangible to hang on to or cry into ☹ Our Molly bear has a big pink bow on her head and a butterfly blanky attached to “her” with MaryKates name inscribed on the belly.
Little Guardian Angel – I was gifted this by a good friend, I never go anywhere without it now.
Kendra Scott– choose anything from their birthstone line in memory of your lost one or from their butterfly collection, my personal favorite.
Cracked Heart Charm – *Applies to all loss types* I buy this for anyone I know grieving a lost loved one. Based off this poem
A donation anywhere in your child’s name or naming something after your child. For example, My girlfriend donated to the National Butterfly Conservation in MaryKate’s name. Someone named a star after her. All we want is to know that our child won’t be forgotten and that others will see/know their name.
Contribute to Funeral/Celebration of life costs if there is one
Framed artwork like This or This - you’ll have to frame separately. If available/appropriate, Frame a picture of the baby's feet or hands or a picture of the family holding their baby.
This Sweatshirt – Bonus if you can hand-stitch child's initials on sleeve.
Therapy/Retreats
Miraval
Village of Stillborn Mamas
Find a Grief-Specific Counselor, there are counselors that specialize in child/infant loss specifically or at the very least find someone grief focused if accessible.
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